How it all began cont'd

~(Cont'd)This is how it all began ~
During the time when I left the relationship, we continued to try to work things out MAINLY for the child.  I had such a hard time KNOWING or trying to know that I(we - child and I) were much better off and healthier living away from the child's father and not in the same house.  This is where I was fooling myself into thinking I could remain the abused, controlled person who would have the respect of her child living with a man who did not even have a quarter of an ounce of respect for me. Yes, completely crazy thought process.  The truth of the matter is IT IS OKAY FOR CHILDREN TO COME FROM A DIVORCED FAMILY AND PARENTS WHO DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER WHEN IT IS AN EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY FAMILY DYNAMIC.  I am and can continue to be teh  mother I am because "the switch" in my brain clicked and I realized if i tried to continue to be someone I wasn't Iwould lose my life.  That is how bad it was for me.

Such shame is cast upon women who are in abusive relationships and who are divorced.  Who REALLY cares!  That's just it....society cares.  NEWSFLASH:  Take a look at our society.  What makes it so great.  How do people treat one another?  What is valued in our society?  We've lost our sense of valuing people and genuinely caring about them and for them.  I digress..back to the story.

 

 

I hated myself, truly hated me, my life, what I had done with it, how could I choose this, yet I did.  I felt the need to continue punishing myself.  The punishment was living under a different roof and trying to work it out with him.  He was my punishment and in my mind, I deserved it.  I even believed I deserved to die and I would have taken my own life...I knew I would if I didn't change SOMETHING.  The only time I was happy was my time without him and I knew it!  So now how do I overcome my FEAR and unlock my PRISON?????

How it all began

~This is how it all began~

After leaving the father of my child, my abuser, I still hurt and yearned for something better in my life.  I was already in school full-time for my bachelor's degree.   Prior to going to school full-time, I had lost everything...my career of 20+ years, my retirement and any sense of who I was.  I had nothing!  I lost it ALL.  I was living at home with my parents.  "What a LOSER!" is what my abuser told me.  I certainly felt like one living at home at 40 years old with our child. 

You see, I didn't really lose EVERYTHING.  I had my son, MY FAMILY, the family I was born into who loved me unconditionally and friends who supported me throughout the ensuring craziness during my life with him .  My dear friend directed me to a domestic violence website, http://www.drirene.com/ so I could reach out for help during my time with my abuser. 

More to follow...

Recovery
These steps are detailed from my own experience and healing process.  I offer them only as suggestions.

Step 1:  Talk and I mean TALK, ALOT.  Talk over and over and over until you are tired of talking about it.  Redundancy..talk over and over to a TRUSTED someone who has the capacity to listen and who cares. 

• This person should be a counselor, clergy or whomever is in a position to really want to help you and only LISTEN. They should not criticize you or your decision to stay or how you chose to lead your life. 
• No judgements WHATSOEVER.  This person should not judge you; they are there for you.  This is your THERAPY. 

A word of caution:  I would not recommend friends because they have a tendency to judge and they may harbor some anger toward the abuser and your circumstances; because they are YOUR FRIENDS. At least this is my experience.

**Questions and comments are welcome**