During the time when I left the relationship, we continued to try to work things out MAINLY for the child. I had such a hard time KNOWING or trying to know that I(we - child and I) were much better off and healthier living away from the child's father and not in the same house. This is where I was fooling myself into thinking I could remain the abused, controlled person who would have the respect of her child living with a man who did not even have a quarter of an ounce of respect for me. Yes, completely crazy thought process. The truth of the matter is IT IS OKAY FOR CHILDREN TO COME FROM A DIVORCED FAMILY AND PARENTS WHO DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER WHEN IT IS AN EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY FAMILY DYNAMIC. I am and can continue to be teh mother I am because "the switch" in my brain clicked and I realized if i tried to continue to be someone I wasn't Iwould lose my life. That is how bad it was for me.
Such shame is cast upon women who are in abusive relationships and who are divorced. Who REALLY cares! That's just it....society cares. NEWSFLASH: Take a look at our society. What makes it so great. How do people treat one another? What is valued in our society? We've lost our sense of valuing people and genuinely caring about them and for them. I digress..back to the story.
I hated myself, truly hated me, my life, what I had done with it, how could I choose this, yet I did. I felt the need to continue punishing myself. The punishment was living under a different roof and trying to work it out with him. He was my punishment and in my mind, I deserved it. I even believed I deserved to die and I would have taken my own life...I knew I would if I didn't change SOMETHING. The only time I was happy was my time without him and I knew it! So now how do I overcome my FEAR and unlock my PRISON?????
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