Coming to Joy

There are times I am honestly so very much overwhelmed with the feeling of joy that I do not know what to do with it.  I never want the feeling to end, and it never really does.  Sure, I have my good days and my bad days; but, when it comes down to it, life is wonderful!  It’s taken me years to get to this point.  I have so much love inside me it oozes out and I want to share it with those who will appreciate it; my parents and most of all my son.  I adore him.  I look at him.  I glow.  No, seriously, I GLOW!  That little boy is EVERYTHING.  He is the reason I am a mother.  He is the reason I am the best mother for him.  He is the best son for me.  He saved my life.  He gave me light as he grew inside of me.  I lay in bed while pregnant with him as I held my belly and I cried.  I cried telling him everything would be okay.  Momma loves you, I would say.  He is now five years old and the most beautiful soul.  His eyes reflect the sunlight like you’ve never seen.  He is free.  I love that he is FREE.  He is free to be who he is, to grow, to blossom.  I trust in God.  I trust in the Universe.  I trust me and I trust him.  I finally TRUST.  And it’s freeing to be this way after a life time of not knowing it. 

I also know that I am the most joyful with my family.  I am not ready for a commitment to add someone into the picture, yet there is someone in the picture.  Is he the one for me?  No, he isn’t.  I know there is someone else who enters my life.  You may ask, “How does this girl KNOW there is someone out there whom she is meant to be with?  She doesn’t even know this person, who he may be, or if he even exists.  Somehow I know.  When I was a young girl, a little girl I KNEW things.  I knew who light souls were and who dark ones were.  I stayed away from the dark ones and opted to be alone in my bedroom listening to music.  Relatives or not, if I experienced that uncomfortable feeling around a person or persons, I removed myself from them or the area they were in, as long as I could.  One day I lost all those intuitions, intuitiveness whatever you like to call it.  I was stripped of everything I knew the day of the accident.  It was the day God took my best friend from me.  He took her tragically at 8 years old.  I was 10. My best friend was my cousin.  She is my cousin.  She lives inside of me and remains with me.  I also know that NOW.  We were in a pedestrian accident together.  As the truck sped past me inches from my face, the umbrella I was holding was forced out of my hand and flew through the air, not knowing what was happening.   She lay before me on the cold, wet blacktop tar of the highway.  I see her and say to myself “She’s going to live, she’s going to live, she’s going to live”, or was it, “she’s okay, she’s okay, she’s okay.”  I am fixated on her, her face and what was going to happen next.  Oblivious to everything around me and concentrating on telling myself and God she’s going to live, I have no idea traffic comes to a halt and people gather around us.  While still focusing on her and her face, blood gushes from her mouth.  No longer can I convince myself my cousin, my best friend will survive.